I don’t know how I came to this conclusion, but it has only recently occurred to me what a total hypocrite Mom I am.

I’m all like “Lead by example!” and “We must instill sound moral values into our kids from a young age!” and so on. And then 3 seconds later I’m like, “Don’t you lie to your mother! Lying is the worst thing anyone can do. Santa is watching you right now!!!”

Wait, what?

I just told my kid that lying is bad because Santa, a non-existent fat guy whose existence I’ve been lying about for the last 7 years, is watching him. Way to go, me!

Truth is, we lie to our kids every single day. Whether it is out of tradition, necessity, or for the purpose of protecting our kids we resort to lying for their own good with their best interests at heart.

That’s not to say that I sugar coat everything in life. I very much believe it telling it like it is especially now that they’re getting older. And I’m not worried about the truth hurting or them becoming disillusioned. This is real life, and they need to be given some straight facts to certain things that they see around them, be it poverty, illness, the refugee crisis, or why their grandma and grandpa don’t live in the same house.

Today’s post, however, is not about the difficult truths that we discuss.

It’s a list of all the little lies I’ve told my kids over the years, a tiny tribute to every Mom’s well intended hypocritic side!

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Me: “Look! The Tooth Fairy left a coin under your pillow!” Actually, it was me at 3a.m. when I suddenly woke up dripping in cold sweat because I had remembered the lie that preceded the above. “Leave your tooth under your pillow for the Tooth Fairy so that she can take it and leave you a coin!”
Kid: “But mom! She left me a coin but my tooth is still there!” Ok, so I couldn’t find it under your damn pillow without waking you at 3a.m., kid!
Me: “Honey, she probably collected a lot of teeth last night and this one just didn’t fit into her bag!”

Me: “Santa’s elves are watching you/ Santa is real/ Santa comes down our tiny chimney/ leave some cookies for Santa/ Oh, look! Santa left you all those presents!/Look Santa ate the cookies you left him!” Admittedly, this is the stupidest and most cost ineffective lie ever.

If you don’t eat your carrots, you won’t be able to see in the dark.” – There’s some truth to that, but not too much.

If you pick your nose, your finger will get stuck in there.”

If you watch too much TV your eyes will become square.” Yeah, I don’t know either.

Kid: “Mommy where do babies come from?”
Me: “ From a hole that appears when the baby is ready to come out.”
Kid: “Can I see yours?”
Me: “No. It disappears as soon as the baby is born.”

Kid, while watching me breastfeed the baby: “Does the milk come from your tummy?”
Me: “Yes.”

“I can hear the police car. They’re on their way to get you if you don’t start behaving right this moment!” Law and order restored.

I know what you’re up to at school even if you don’t tell me. So you might as well tell me.” A conversation with their teacher usually precedes this conversation. This one actually works!

We need to go home Now! Your dolly is crying home alone.”

If you eat one more chocolate your teeth will fall out.

We are never coming here again!

I will give away/throw out all your toys.”

My phone is out of battery.”

We must remove Furby’s batteries before bedtime or else it will explode.” Or my head will explode.

I have no idea where your toy may be.” Translation- I threw it out/gave it away/hid it forever.

The playground is closed today.”

Give your binkie to the nice lady at the toy store and she’ll give you a present. She’ll also give your binkie to another baby who really needs it.” No kidding. This is how both of my paci addicts quit their habit cold turkey.

This chocolate has alcohol in it so you can’t have any.” No, I don’t feel bad about not sharing.

No, that’s not carrot/broccoli/fish/pepper.” It’s carrot/broccoli/fish/pepper.. or worse.

I guess I can go on forever! My kids, of course, just like most kids can see right through my little white lies most of the time… and it’s pretty obvious why.

It’s because their Mama has taught them how to spot a lie from a mile away. And like most kids, deep down they understand and let me get away with it… Occasionally.